Recovery found me at different stages of my life.
“You seem like you have it all together.” Hearing these words made me feel like a phony, a fake, an imposter. Sure, on the outside, it might have looked like I had it “all together” but on the inside I was screaming for a way out.
That is how mental illness can “look” sometimes. Perfectly normal to the average onlooker. Anorexia nervosa, that was my official diagnosis, but now looking back I realize I was addicted to codependent behavior and insane (“insanity” – doing the same thing over and over everyday expecting a different result).
I wish I could tell you I took a magic pill and it all became clear and I recovered overnight, but that was not the case. In fact, I’d say I am still in recovery and will be for my entire life. And that’s ok. Recovery found me in stages, at different parts of my life.
First, the eating disorder. I found a therapist who really understood me. She knew that the disordered eating and body image dysmorphia was a symptom of something else internal. I was struggling with family issues at home, I was codependent to others and I was in an abusive relationship. This all manifested itself as a need to control my caloric intake, and I became addicted to losing weight and the attention that being thin had brought me.
Loving myself as God loves me…
My Higher Power, I call Him God, revealed His presence to me at that time. I realized that He loved me more than I could ever imagine, and I owed it to Him to love myself and the temple He gave me. This theme of self-love will come back years later right at the moment I needed it most.
In the years to follow that recovery, I found love, got married, moved out, graduated college, and started my life and career path. Again, things seemed “all together” on the outside, but I was addicted to the codependent behavior with my family. I had completely lost sight of my goals, my dreams, my personal wellbeing to drop everything and run in to “rescue” them. It was taking a toll on my marriage and once again my health.
<<Insert heavenly angelic music here>>
Another total God moment arrived. The God moments had been there all along, I was just blind to them. I was sitting in Urgent Care, I had not eaten in over 2 weeks. I couldn’t keep anything down. There had to be something wrong with me physically, right? Numerous blood tests and questionnaires later, the doctor at the clinic sat me down and asked me an important question: “Do you have a history of an eating disorder?” – “Yes,” I replied. She proceeded to tell me that all of my symptoms and negative tests results pointed to the strong possibility I was relapsing with my anorexia and that I would maybe find it helpful to seek professional help again.
I took a look at my finances and health insurance plan, and realized I did not have the resources to afford therapy. But, I was determined to do something. I cared too much about my future and the life I dreamed of having to let it all go. My Higher Power pointed me in the direction of a 12-step support group. I was hesitant, but again, remembered I had to be motivated from a place of self-love to get help. I walked in the doors to that group 3 years ago and today I can say I have more serenity than I ever have before. Again, it wasn’t a magically quick fix. But with some hard work and total reliance on my Higher Power, I can say my life has completely changed.
One day at a time, I’m pursuing my dreams. I’m helping others to be healthy with my business as a health coach. I’m enjoying acting and performing again. I am competing in a beauty pageant! Today, I woke up and committed to my serenity and tomorrow, I will wake up and commit again, and again…
It is okay to ask for help. To seek the guidance of your Higher Power. To admit you don’t have all the answers. One day a time, little by little, the smoke clears, the sun shines and you find peace. It is waiting for you today.